Black Fathers Weren’t Removed from the Home; They Left.

We can no longer blame systemic shadows for the internal work Black men are unwilling to do.

My uncle is a deadbeat dad. I love him, a combination of obligation and empathy, but I abhor his decisions as a man, as a human being, and especially as a father of five. If you were to ask him about his dedication to fatherhood for the last three and a half decades, he’d tell you how his children (and grandchildren) love and adore him, how he’s sacrificed and struggled for their good and how their progress is proof. I call that equal parts delusion and denial because nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is that for the last 30 years of his adulthood, the better part of my life, my uncle has chosen, like many men, to disregard his responsibilities as a father. And his decision has damaged my family beyond description.

As a child, my relationship with my five cousins was distant but never strained. For this, my uncle blamed their three mothers. They were bitter and holding my cousins’ hostage, which was simply what Black women did when you left them; punished the children with your absence. Cousin photos at family functions were never complete, and those women were to blame. They knew how hard it was out there for a Black man like my uncle, one with a criminal record thanks to an unjust legal system and barely a high…